|
Joke Categories
|
 These two construction workers always noticed
that their boss always left
early on Fridays. So one asked the
other that if the boss left early
next
Friday if he would want
to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough,
when
Friday came,
the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The
one
offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to
just
head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.
When
he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the
noise was coming
from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss
sleeping with his
wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed
back down the stairs and
out the front door. He made his way down to
the bar to see if his
friend
was still there and he was. His
friend asked, "I thought you were
headed
home?" The man replied,
"I did, but this is the last time I ever
leave
work early a
gain." His friend asked, "Why's that?" The man replied,
"I
almost got caught by the boss." |
|
A man is flying in a hot air balloon
and
realizes he is lost. He reduces
his altitude and spots a man down
below. He lowers the balloon further
and shouts: "Excuse me, can you
tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot
air balloon, hovering 30
feet
above this field."
"You
must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.
"I do,"
replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is
technically
correct, but
completely useless."
The man below says: "You must be in
management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the
same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." |
|
Several
weeks after a young man had been
hired, he was called into
the personnel director's office. "What is
the meaning of this?" the
director asked. "When you applied for this
job, you told us you had
five
years experience. Now we
discovered this is the first job you've ever
held."
"Well," the young
man replied, "in your advertisement you said you
wanted somebody
with imagination." |
|
There was this man who was in a
horrible
accident, and was injured. But
the only permanent damage he suffered
was the amputation of both of his
ears. As a result of this
'unusual' handicap, he was very
self-conscious
about his having no
ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money
from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
business, so
he
decided with all this money he had, he now had
the means to own a
business. So he went out and purchased a small,
but expanding computer
firm. But he realized that he had no
business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he would have to hire
someone to run the business. He
picked
out three top candidates, and
interviewed each of them. The first
interview went really well. He
really liked this guy. His last question
for this first candidate
was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about
me?'
The guy s
aid, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man
got
really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even
better
than the first. This candidate was much better than the
first. Again,
to
conclude the interview, the man asked the same
question again, 'Do you
notice anything unusual about me?' This
guy also noticed, 'Yes, you
have
no ears.' The man was really
upset again, and threw this second
candidate
out. Then he had
the third interview.. The third candidate was even
better
than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice
anything
unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing
contact
lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's
quite perceptive of you!
How
could you tell?' The guy burst out
laughing and said, 'Well, You
can't
wear glasses if you d
on't have any ears!' |
|
When Abraham Liebowitz
gets to school he
discovers that he is the only
Jewish kid in the class. But it's a
decent town and nobody really
bothers
him.
One day the
teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who
ever
lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar
bill
in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get
this
twenty
dollars".
All of the kids called out their
guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father
of our
country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an
excellent, but
still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan
of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice
said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.
nSo the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the
greatest
person who ever lived, and why?"
And Abraham said
"Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm
very surprised.
Class,
I think we can all agree that Abraham
should get the twenty dollars."
And
she handed Abraham Liebowitz
the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she
asked Abraham
why
he said Jesus.
Abraham said "Look,
personally I think Moses was the greatest person
who
ever lived,
but... business is business!" |
|
A new business was opening and one of the
owner's friends wanted to send
flowers for the occasion. They
arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it said
"Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and
called the florist to
complain. After he had told the florist of the
obvious mistake and how
angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm
really
sorry for the
mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine
this:
somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers
with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new
location." |
|
Fresh out of business school, the young man
answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by
a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started
himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But
mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the
man said. "But I don't want to
have
to worry about money. Your
job will be to take all the money worries
off
my back."
"I
see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll
start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the
accountant exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like
that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry." |
|
The new employee
stood before the paper
shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding
it
into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come
out?" |
|
A fellow had just been
hired as the new
CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down
met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered
envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think
you can solve," he said. Well,
things
went along pretty
smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn
and he was really
catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he
remembered the
envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The
message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO
called a
press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the
previous
CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street
--
responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was
soon
behind him. About a year later, the company was again
experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product pro
blems. Having
learned from his previous experience, the CEO
quickly opened the second
envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This
he did, and the
company
quickly rebounded. After several
consecutive profitable quarters, the
company once again fell on difficult
times. The CEO went to his office,
closed the door and opened the
third envelope. The message said,
"Prepare
three envelopes." |
|
The farmer goes to town one day and happens
to run
into his old pal the tractor salesman.
"How's
business?" asks the farmer. "Not very good, I haven't sold
a
tractor
in months, How are things on the farm?" asked the
salesman.
"Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I
have.
I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied
her tail
to
the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked
me with her left
leg
so I tied that to the left side of the
stall. I started milking again
and
she kicked me with her right leg
so I tied that one to the right side
of
the stall. About that
time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can
convince her that I
was just trying to milk that damn cow,
I'll buy a tractor from
you!!" |
|
|
