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Joke Categories
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 Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German,
an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons.
The
head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your
back
for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take
oil!" So they put oil on his back,
and a large Amazon whips him ten
times. When he is finished the German
has these huge welts on his
back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away,
and say to the Mexican, "What do you
want on your back?"
"I
will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight
and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will
you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He
responds, "I'll take the Mexican." |
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An Englishman, Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan
were flying across country on a small plane when the
pilot comes on
the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical
problems and
the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of
you to
open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four
open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep
breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets
really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and
he also
jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo"
and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane. |
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There were
three Aggies; one crane operator,
one pole climber, one guide. The guide
tied the crane to the end of
a pole. The crane operator would then pick
the pole up on end. The
climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape
measure which the
guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The
crane operator then
lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick
up another
pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over
and
asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying
on
the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles
are, not how long". |
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Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an
Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman,
tapped
him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was
a
drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know
that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St.
Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman
remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
So,
the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him
on the
shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying,
cheating,
idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't
know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to
his buddies.
"You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third
Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off...
just watch."
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped
hi
m on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an
Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me." |
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A US
Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal
alien in the bushes right by the
border fence, he pulls him out and
says "Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the
border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo
Senior, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol
Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard
for him and says
"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words
in a
sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol
Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use
them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for
about 2 minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green,
Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez
Yellow?" |
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A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself
in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by
the
Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that
building
there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The
Royal
York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About 12
years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em
twice as high, twice as wide and four times
as long down in Texas,
and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver
makes his was past the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre. "What's that
building over there?" asked the Texan.
"That's the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.
"Convention Centre? How
long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About three years"
replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em
twice as high, three
times as long and four times as wide as that down
in Texas, and
it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the
cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that
building there?" asks
the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I
know" replied the
cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by
yesterday." |
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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker
were captured by
cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad
news is that now
we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We
will put you in a pot,
cook you, eat you and then we're going to
use your skins to build a
canoe. The good news is that you can
choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief
gives him a sword,
the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs
himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please."
The chief gives him a
pistol, the Englishman points it at his head
and says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest,
everywhere.
There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The
chief is
appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid
cannibal! |
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the
arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they
were going to blow up
the whole world.
One day they sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one
dog fight.
They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the
world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians
found
the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and
bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his
siblings,
and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and
after five
years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had
ever seen. Its
cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick
and nobody could get
near it.
"When the day came for th
e fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange animal. It was a
nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for
the Americans
because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last
ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up,
the Dachshund came out and wrapped
itself around the outside of the
ring. It had the Russian dog almost
completely surrounded. When the
Russian dog leaned over to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the
Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one
bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to
the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
`We don't understand
how this could have happened. We had our best
people working for
five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
dogs in the world
and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an
American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons worki
ng for five years trying to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.'" |
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When young Jose, newly arrived in the United
States,
made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets
left for
sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket
salesman found him a
perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote
home enthusiastically
about his experience. "And the Americans, they
are so friendly!" he
concluded. "Before the game started, they all
stood up and looked at me
and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'" |
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An old Indian lined up all of
his 10 little
Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push
port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then
asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Again nobody
answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie
father.
Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big
Georgie no punish."
So the Indian asked again,
"Who push
port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push
port-a-potty over
cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and
spanks him, for his punishment. When he
is done, the little Indian
asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get
punish. I tell truth, I get
punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big
Georgie not in cherry tree when it got
chopped down!!!" |
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