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Joke Categories
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 How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You
pokemon |
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Well, a man was driving down a country road, and
he decided to get out
and get some fresh air.
He got out,
and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon
a hole.
Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No
sound.
So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started
to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No
sound. As he
searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over
to the
hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground,
exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running
at him, full speed. He
leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in
the hole. He listened,
but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later,
a farmer came walking up. The
man asked him, "How deep is this
hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats
the bottomless pit. It never ends.
Say, have you seen my prize goat?"
The man, not wanting to g
et the blame, said, "No." The farmer said,
"Oh well. He can't get
far. He was tied to a railroad beam." |
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There
was a guy walking down the street in
San Francisco, and he tripped over
an old looking oil lamp.
He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was
priceless.
While he was running to the antique shop to cash
this puppy in, it
rubbed against his shirt.
POOF! A genie
popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "All
right, I have had enough with
this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you
stole me away from my HBO Special,
I will only give you one wish!"
The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge
condo
on the beach with three million dollars in the master
bedroom, but I am
afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a
bridge from here to
Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk,
"Are you crazy? Do you know how long
that will take, with the pillars
going down to the bottom of the ocean,
all the cement it wou
ld take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just
can't happen."
The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four? |
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Sherlock Holmes
and Matthew Watson were on a
camping and hiking trip. They had gone to
bed and were lying there
looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson,
look up. What do you
see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does
that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another
nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To
me, it means someone has stolen our tent." |
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Big Louie the
Torpedo was becoming
increasingly curious about one of the newer members of
his mob, Benny the
Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in
another part of
the country. During that time he had garnered quite a
reputation
for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man
available. He
was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for
the
last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket -
clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the
Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was
put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of
yours, eh? Like,
are you scared or somethin' or you just want to
always be ready or
what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled,
"been doin' it dis way ever since
me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout
ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Wel
l, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He
never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept
me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in,
expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do
it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well,
I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to
say
nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said
...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!" |
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Three men stood before a judge on a charge of
drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.
Judge: What
were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the
pond.
Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing
peanuts in the pond, too."
Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you
throwing peanuts in the pond
as well?
3rd man: No, sir. I AM
Peanuts! |
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One afternoon, a man was riding in
the back
of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why
are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any
money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me
then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other
man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man
answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the
car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir,
you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied
"No, you don't understand, the grass at my home
is about three
feet tall!" |
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Two friends: - I heard that you have
founded
a musical band.
- Yes, it is a quartet.
- How many are you?
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We are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a
brother?
- No, why do you ask? |
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Two guys are talking:
(1) - I've bought a
tour to my mother-in-law.
(2) - Your mother-in-law???!!!
(1) - Why
not, to Bagdad. |
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A newlywed couple, after bringing their
luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in
tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the
groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a
view
for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a
parking
lot!" |
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