 Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by
eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a
child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by
eleven." |
|
With four
daughters and one son always
dashing to school activities and part-time
jobs, our schedule was
hectic.
To add to this, we kept running out of household
supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any
item by writing it down on a note pad on the
refrigerator.
As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT
DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I
found the
following message:
"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT
OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF
IT."' |
|
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My
wife is pregnant, and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you
idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!" |
|
A man
and his wife were making their first
doctor visit, the wife being
pregnant with their first
child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and
stamped
the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was
curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got
home, the
husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it
was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come
back and see me." |
|
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came
out of
his front door onto the porch.
Someone dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness
and
asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was
enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for
the keys
to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out
with
the lawn mower." |
|
When our second child was on the way, my wife
and I
attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at
least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the
news to the older
child. It went like this:
"Some parents,"
she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so
much we decided to
bring another child into this family.' But think
about that.
Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love
you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the
women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???" |
|
On a
flight to Florida, I was preparing my
notes for one of the parent-education
seminars I conduct as an
educational psychologist.
The elderly woman sitting next to me
explained that she was returning
to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18
grandchildren and ten
great-grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a
living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional
advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said,
"If there's
anything you want to know, just ask me." |
|
For two solid hours, the lady
sitting next
to a man on an airplane had told him about her
grandchildren. She
had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of
the
children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire
conversation on
her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the
talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you
certainly have something to
say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my
grandchildren?" |
|
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed
the
wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you
have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well,
no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and
eleven
children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't
think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want
to
get." |
|
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest
questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok
ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the
doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or
does the
doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to
doctor.
Father: !!!??????!!! |
